Should I continue?

Now I just had to wait for my period to come again. I have to mention how much waiting is involved in this and how hard it is. You wait to get your period. You wait two weeks for pregnancy test results. If the results are negative, you wait to get your period again. Once learning I was pregnant, waiting six weeks for an ultrasound was the hardest. I just needed to know so badly that there was a heartbeat and those six weeks were endless. I didn’t get my period until April after the D&C. Waiting for that was agony. Everything to me just equates to so much lost time. After all, I was 39 now, and my age was a significant factor in all this. My doctors were totally unimpressed with my age and felt that I had nothing to worry about. But approaching 40 seemed like a cut-off point in my mind.

I went in for another IUI with Letrozole in April. I was nervous, but filled with hope when a home pregnancy test showed a hazy positive result. I went for blood work and I was told I was pregnant, but the numbers were terribly low. It was then that I learned what a chemical pregnancy was. I had to return to Boston IVF every two days to see if the numbers were lowering as they expected. Again, more waiting. When I went back for the second round of testing, I wanted to believe so badly that the numbers had risen, but it wasn’t the case. It almost seemed cruel that I had to return for blood work four times until the numbers were back to zero. Obviously, it wasn’t working this time, so why make me come back so many times? But, I did what was asked.

After these four attempts, with a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy, I really began to question what I was doing. I thought that maybe God was trying to tell me something and that maybe He had some other plan for me. It is hard to not become negative and discouraged. As a single person with no additional income, I was running out of money. I had saved money for three attempts and had already done four. Insurance won’t help pay for a single woman trying to get pregnant, which is ridiculous in itself and so unfair. I had a great struggle with myself about what to do. Should I continue? Could I even afford to continue? Every battle I had with myself over this always ended up with the same answer: I wasn’t ready to give up.

June and August resulted in two more failed attempts. At this point, I was done. I had to be. I was out of money. At $1,200 each try, I had saved all I could save and I didn’t think putting IUI’s on a credit card was a good idea. Do I even need to mention the emotional toll this had taken? I’d been trying to get pregnant for a year now. The sadness over all my failures was unreal. It consumed me.

I told my nurse at Boston IVF that I was done and I thanked them for their help. How do I move on from this? What could I do to help fill this void in my life? I couldn’t afford adoption. That was out of the question. I looked into foster care and was disappointed to learn the state no longer helped pay for daycare. A wise friend told me that if I was going to possibly foster a child and pay for daycare, why wouldn’t I use that money to pay for another attempt to become pregnant? I thought about this for a while and decided this was an excellent point. After a lot of soul searching and finally figuring that my doctors knew what they were talking about, I told myself that it was just as okay to be pregnant at 40 as it was at 39. What difference did one year make?

I called Boston IVF in October and told the nurse I was going to proceed. I spoke to the financial coordinator and, after some research, she told me that the insurance laws had changed. Insurance will now cover infertility procedures for a single woman if she had six attempts behind her, even if one had resulted in a pregnancy. Originally, the count started over if you became pregnant – as if a miscarriage was a success! I had to undergo some more testing as my doctor now felt I should move onto IVF. She said that after six IUIs with no live birth, there was no longer any reason to try IUI again. Paperwork was submitted and I was approved for IVF. Thank God.

So, that was November and it is now January. I haven’t been able to move forward with IVF just yet. I have learned through this whole process that my body doesn’t always cooperate with my preferred time schedule, and my ovulation cycle isn’t always regular. I had hoped to do the actual procedure in December, but no such luck. All my medicines and injections sit, ready to go. Half of it is waiting in my refrigerator and the other half in a closet. I am due to start taking medication soon. I pray, with all my heart and soul, that this is it.

I will do all the necessary waiting through this next process. All the waiting and any money spent is worth it if the end result is a healthy baby. I long to hold a baby in my arms. I pray that this IS part of God’s plan for me. 

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