Five Days of Hope, and Then Despair

By Jennifer from Boston, Mass.

It was Saturday morning, the day following the call from the OB nurse explaining that I was pregnant with a low HCG level count of 20. I decided to only focus on the positive and believe that I was going to have a baby on May 12, 2010 (my expected due date according to my calculations). I got even more excited that afternoon when I took another home pregnancy test and it showed up positive! I jumped for joy as I showed my husband. I assumed this was proof that the hormone count was rising, since the nurse had told me yesterday that in order to get a positive home pregnancy test, you needed a HCG level of 25. That night we were having friends over for dinner, and although I didn’t tell them the news, I remember eating like a pregnant champ for our barbeque dinner.- I figured I was entitled to ravish food for two.

On Sunday, I drove the hour and half to visit my parents and younger siblings to share with them the glorious news, and again ate like a champ at Papa Gino’s, excusing my indulgence for pizza and chicken fingers for cravings as opposed to just overeating. My sister Jacquelyn and I giggled like little girls discussing how nice a spring baby would be, as opposed to Connor’s December arrival when I couldn’t take him outside because of the sub-zero temperatures. 

On Monday, I was very cautious while playing in the yard with Connor and my six-year-old step-daughter, Maddie. I didn’t over-exert myself and was very careful not to trip or run too fast while playing tag as the kids darted back and forth all over the yard.

On Tuesday, I treated myself to a McDonald’s double cheeseburger, large fries, and a vanilla milkshake (this was my favorite pregnancy craving with Connor). We were in the process of looking to buy a bigger house with the anticipation of another baby arriving. During my afternoon appointment with the realtor, I shared my announcement, even though I knew I probably should have waited until I got the results from the second blood test.. I justified it by asserting that Pam, the realtor, needed to know our time schedule as I was hoping to be settled in a new house prior to the spring arrival of the baby.

On Wednesday, while driving home from teaching my freshmen English classes, I chatted with Jetta, my favorite mother-in-law in the world. We were blissfully discussing the joys of a new grandchild. I walked into the house while still on the cell phone and started to make lunch. I suddenly felt a wet sensation on my underwear, but didn’t think much of it and thought I just needed to pee. Still talking to Jetta, I pulled down my pants in the bathroom to be startled by a circle of bright red blood on my underwear. My heart skipped a beat and I told Jetta I needed to call her back. Okay – I told myself – don’t panic. Maybe this is implantation bleeding?

I called the OB office right away and the nurse asked me if the flow was heavy or if there was any cramping, and I took comfort in revealing no such symptoms. She suggested that I come in for a blood test within the next day or so to check on the hormone count. I was at the office within a half hour, but because it was late afternoon, the results wouldn’t be back until the next day.     

That night, I tried to think positively and was almost successful at convincing myself that the bleeding was nothing major. I had read on the Internet that many women experience early bleeding in pregnancy.The bleeding had basically stopped, but as time passed, I couldn’t pretend that the cramping in my lower back was just my imagination. I crawled into bed, took some Tylenol, and administered the heating pad. Deep in my heart, I knew this couldn’t be a good sign. My husband, Mike, rubbed my back and calmed me by suggesting that I put my fears and worries away until the next day when science would reveal the baby’s fate.

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